targeted at women, but shares ideas with ACT (figuring out your desires/values) and NVC (de-escalating, verbally acknowledging the other's feelings, you vs I words)
awkward situation: ask a question
submission: paying attention to self (wants, needs, ...)
"i" language
domination: paying attention to an other, and influence/instruct
"you" language
alternate between the two focuses, but never at the some time
we have desires that we don't get to choose
(RD: ~ memetic desire, determinism)
figure out what makes us tick
exercise: "Bad Girl Protocol" - "If I was a Bad Girl/Boy, I would..."
exercise: "Book of Desires" - continual log desires, without regard to current resources
may turn out that some of our guesses are wrong
exercise: "Things Unsaid" - "I never told —- about —– "
exercise: "Conversations I'm not Having" - "I'm not having a conversation with —- about —–"
recognize the feeling associated with these
conversations avoiding point to what's important to to you
- avoidance is a form of protection; we protect what's meaningful to us
want to find the things we're "fighting for", not "fighting against"
(not: anti-messiness, but pro-tidyness)
(RD: ~ ACT)
anxiety is unrealized enthusiasm, worry is unrealized care
(RD - often due to lack/loss of agency)
your true desires are legitimate
you are entitled to ask for your desires (but not to receive them)
exercise: "Legitimacy"
visualize having one of your desires
reflect on: feelings, emotions, thoughts (repeat)
acknowledge your wins (even little ones)
build trust in yourself
exercise: "Victory Log" - in the evening, list "I celebrate —-" (and let yourself feel it)
exercise: "The Asking Practice"
imagine people in you know: "I could ask —- for —–"
free yourself from the myth that you need to be independent, ...that you have to do everything yourself
asking doesn't take away from the other person, it creates new and exciting roles for them
every time you ask someone for something, you are offering them a role in your life
every complaint hides a desire
(RD: ~NVC: every communication is a need trying to express itself)
another person's resistance is a doorway to intimacy (understanding them)
the ideal response to "no" is curiosity about what they are trying to protect
exercise: "The Rigged No"
ask a partner for various things; partner always says no
exercise: "Begging for No"
one person begs in various escalating ways for various things
partner refuses in various ways
asks should be specific
don't put it on the other person to figure out how to please you
asks are an experiment at satisfying a desire
but it may turn out you were wrong (about the solution, or the desire)
(RD: ~ACT: "agile" trying out different values)
exercise: "The Three-Way Ask"
make an ask naturally
make an ask in extremes (feared, dominating, ...)
make your ask "normally" again
responding to a "no"
"locate"
attempt to name the feeling/emotion
"it seems like you're angry"
"approve"
acknowledge the emotion
"you are feeling angry because...."
(people always have a right to feel what they feel)
"follow what's alive"
framing
after a group session, go around and ask people to share a moment and their feelings about it