rather than ignore, numb, avoid or ruminate over sources of "emotional pain", use it as a signal to identify what to focus on
accept that we are having unpleasant emotions and thoughts and work to less their effect in our lives, rather than get rid of them
change relationship w/ thoughts and emotions, rather than change their content
focus on identifying values, a putting effort towards living meaningfully (and being willing to experience pain and difficult emotions), rather than solving "problems" and avoiding pain
6 skills:
defusion
"see our thoughts with enough distance, so that we can decide what to do next, regardless of our mind's chatter" (or feelings)
get so caught up in thoughts, lose touch with things as they are
not accepting all your thoughts as true
most thoughts are part of a process of meaning-making
"just noticing" thoughts, but not necessarily giving them power
"notice the story we've constructed of ourselves and gain perspective about who we are"
let go of a tightly held conceptualization of self (ego / "conceptualized self" / "self-as-content")
move away from "I am a X, I am Y"
ex. "I'm a strong person, I don't need help"
ex. "I'm not the kind of person to ..."
reductionist
"a documentary of Africa is not Africa"
our ego story colors our perception
ego seeks consistency in the story
related: sunk cost fallacy
limits the choices we consider for ourselves
negative self-story can be detrimental
"I am a bad student" -> don't bother making effort
"I am bad" -> general lack of self worth
even positive evaluation can be detrimental
"I am loyal" -> stay in abusive relationship
"I am kind" -> ignore truths where that is not the case
instead
learn to notice "our story", its influence and its incompleteness
notice when/why you lie, exaggerate, pretend; try to be truthful / open
practice shifting perspective (of ourselves, our situation)
think: "when -situation-, I -behaviour, making me think/feel -x-"
similar to NVC re: talking to others, but applied to self
"let go" of your story, detachment
"I am" is sufficient
connect more deeply with "perspective-taking self"
ie. the part of you that "just senses", is-in-the-moment, is the unique perspective that is your perspective
~ ego-death
acceptance / willingness
"allow ourselves to feel, even when the feelings are painful or create a sense of vulnerability"
accept that unpleasant emotions happen, rather than avoid triggers
"it is at it is", "come what may"
embracing things as they are
avoidance can eliminate acute symptoms at the cost of distancing ourselves from what we care about
choose moving toward what you care about, because it is more important than the pain
willingness to experience negative emotions, for the sake of a greater goal
accept what emotions may come with a curious detachment
presence / present-moment
"direct attention in an intentional way, not merely out of habit, noticing what is present here and now, inside us and out"
instead of spending mental time regretting/ruminating-about the past or worrying about the future, being present
making attention of the present be the default
values
"choose the qualities of being and doing that we want to evolve toward"
pivot from
"socially compliant goals"
chosen / influenced by others
completable
~memetics
to
self-chosen values
important to be chosen ("choose-tos", not "shoulds"/"have-tos")
never-completable, "ways of being"
verb + adverb
ex. "being loyal"
appetitive, "towards...", ie, "be loving", not, "stop being mean"
"lived actions"
re: uncovering values
hints of things in your life that
give vitality
willing to be vulnerable about
positive memories (but not "peak experiences")
painful memories
"what would you have to not care about for this not to hurt so much?"
"imagine you could take a pill that took the pain away and made you feel good, how would you spend your time?"
values behind goals you've achieved and are proud of, or goals you hope to achieve
learn through action (value prototyping)
people aren't fully clear of their values, until they experience acting on them
action
"create habits that support these choices"
building habits, focus on the process
random points to re-organize:
our ego =/= us, but it certainly makes it seem that way
"our story of ourselves" =/= us
"I can't stand this anymore", etc.
ego thoughts, just judgements/evaluations
yearning to connect with others & protect its story leads ego to lie to others (and to ourselves)
ego grossly simplifies reality to conform to its beliefs (ex. women be crazy, I am kind)
be are very good at following rules, but some rules we've internalized may be harmful
things one avoids are things one cares about
you hurt because you care; you avoid because you hurt
in life, you don't get to avoid pain
but, you do get to choose the kind of pain
pain of presence
as a result for caring, and acting
pain of absence
as a result of avoidance
emptiness, meaninglessness, regret...
exercises
defusion
saying a word out loud repeatedly
sit and pay attention to your stream-of-consciousness, but, let the thoughts go
(potentially: write them down)
leaves on a stream
disobey on purpose
do an action, but think/say you are doing another (or not doing it)
give your ego a name
+ respond to it, "thank you for that thought, George..."
disengaging with thoughts:
sing a thought
spell a word in the thought backwards
try to describe the thought as an object (color, size, texture)
say it out loud in a funny voice
write in a paper (or imagine doing so), and move it about your field of vision - close, far, to the side, upside down
write it down and carry it with you
imagine your younger self having a given thought, how would you react to them?
write a though or self judgement on paper, stick it on yourself, in public
presence
meditation - attention to breath, come back when mind wander
meditation - one foot, other foot, both feet
meditation - music, switch focus between instruments, the whole
meditation - aware of thoughts/feelings, when come up, think "now i'm thinking...", "now i'm ..."
while doing an activity, alternate focus between body sensations, and the task
thought chain parade placards, place thought on placard, imagine it go past
acceptance
exposure to sources of unpleasant emotions
w/ purpose of learning to be okay with experiencing those feelings
values
think of someone you do not know, but deeply respect or admire
what about them moves you?
think of "sweet" moments (not necessarily "peak" moments)
think of "un-sweet" moments
values card sort
prompt questions:
"Imagine you are at the end of your life, looking backward. Pick words that would describe a life you would have been proud to have lived if it was totally up to you."
"Imagine what you might choose if no one would ever know what you chose."
what you choose your life on this earth to be in service of
what are the "ends" to which you want to strive (and be willing to suffer for)
activity:
arrange cards in 3 columns: very important, important, not important
then, just keep 'very important', from those, select half
reflection questions:
a chosen value, or, one they feel they "should" be living
feelings / thoughts that come when doing the exercise
which values living now, vs aspire to?
any values a way to avoid other values?
note:
not a value identification exercise, more of a value-tasting exercise
easy to muddle "shoulds" and what others want, vs choosing your own
(though, memetics would say - that's just how values work!)
list of potential values to start with:
[[2023-10-06 ACT List of Values]]
VLQ-2 (Valued Living Questionnaire 2)
BEVS (Bull's Eye Value Survey)
PVQ (Personal Values Questionnaire)
feared eulogy
imagine your funeral was being held today and you could listen in
what would specific people say about you and your life, if they were being honest
discrepancies between the life you are living and the life you want to be living
what would your ideal life eulogy be?
value activity journal
log your activities during the day
for each activity, log what values it was in service of
and/or if the activity was done in such a way to be in service of a value
reflect:
on "effective days", what values were on your list, or which values did you avoid; what about on "ineffective days"?
are there values you'd prefer to spend more time on, less time on?
what changes would you need to make this happen?
action
~atomic habits
SMART goals
habit replacement
taking on an arbitrary commitment, just because
ex. wear mismatched socks every even day for a month
sharing commitments with others
re: values
values are the direction one would go in if given full psychological freedom to do so
we are wired to avoid unpleasant experiences and seek pleasant ones
but, are also able to go beyond our immediate comfort for a higher purpose
ACT as way to pursue values, transcending immediate pain and suffering
just alleviating pain
puts the pain in the driver's seat, narrows thinking re: potential paths forward
doesn't lead to full satisfaction
when choosing values, there is no wrong answer - the point is to choose freely; except, it can be "wrong" if the values are not true to you (and socially pliant instead)
values domains
family
significant other
parenting
friends / social-life
work
education/training
recreation/fun
spirituality
citizenship / community life
physical self-care (diet, exercise, sleep)
environmental issues
art, creative expression, aesthetics
yearnings
orientation
meaning
competence
belonging
coherence
feeling
some personal reflection:
as a "good student", I grew to be proud of my mental faculties; distrusting my ego seemed heretical - I was such a good thinker, how could my thoughts be unreliable?
the separation/distancing of ego and observer, is a bit like voluntary controlled dissociation
morals are the "will not's", values are the "aspire to"
values aren't truly freely chosen b/c of memetics, but, at the same time, if you've been memed to have some values, it's hard to unvalue them; inception is strong
when my values where challenged, they became unclear, and avoiding suffering become my primary focus; ie. having nothing particular to work towards (and ignore suffering for), my mind turn inwards, towards the suffering (making it worse)
if there are so may alternative ways of telling your story... if any of them can be "true"... then none are true; what am I if I can be anything? what am I if all that one can be is stories? what am I if there is nothing to truly be but "just be"
our mind (be it the ego, or emotional) often gets caught up about something, various ACT practices help regain perspective about what matters