📓 non violent communication (nvc)

• Non-Violent Communication - Rosenberg

it's in our nature to be 'compassionate' TODO def compassion

language we use _____

"NVC: Non-Violent Communication" aka Compassionate Commnication ~ non-coercive communication

a process of communication

a) how we express ourselves
b) how we hear others

expressing yourself ("giving") avoiding automatic reaction

observe ourselves careflly better hear or own needs

clearly communicate what we are wanting and feeling

Bad: defending, withdrawing, attacking diagnosing, judging

moralistic judgements
  ex. lazy, sloppy, mean
  judgements of others vis-a-vis our values/morals
  (our analyses of others are actually 'tragic' expressions of our own needs )
comparisons to others
denial of responsibility
  "have to"
  "makes me feel"
  "I did X because X"
  ex. from Nazis "beurocratese": "had to", "superior's orders", "it's the law"
  (~ rationalizing intuitive reactions)
  ex. a teacher: "I have to give grades because it's district policy"
        vs. "I choose to give grades because I want to keep my job"
demands (w/ threat of blame or punishment)
  (we can never *make* people do anything)

hearing others ("receiving") respectful and empathic attention "deep listening"

"4 components of NVC: observations state the concrete actions we observe (w/o judgement or evaluation) that affect our well-being

 avoid or at least keep seperate: judgements, opinions, presumptions, diagnoses
ex. someone being "lazy" vs. doing "lazy things"
          (usually negative and/or reductionist)
    ex. "having a big mouth", "wanting to be center of attention"
          vs. "often tells war stories, which cause meetings to go overtime"
    p30 - table w/ examples

feelings state how we feel as a result needs state our needs / values / desires that create these feelings requests make a specific request that could address the situation

ex.

"Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV I feel irritated because I am needing mroe order in the rooms that we share in common Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?"

both speak and hear via the 4 components

not easy to understand your feelings

language we use affects how we think

moral judgements often imply "it's ok to punish the bad" which really is "punish those who act differently; and/or act in a way that displeases the majority" opens door for incredible violence against the "evil ones"

in normal language, tend to talk past each other burden others with our insecurities, stress, feelings but still "hide" them